Rules of Belief.

"I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go, things go wrong so that you appreciate them when they go right, you believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart, so that better things can fall together." - Marilyn Monroe.

Unresolved Feelings.

Dear Stranger,

Things work out funny, don't they? Everything we've been through and felt seems to have all disappeared; slipped through our fingers even. I never thought I'd see you going from my everything, to nothing. Did you see it happening? Did you have any idea? Or were you just as clueless and dumbfounded as I was? All the things that I've put you through, you never deserved. I was hard on you. I was out of line 97% of the time. I'll admit that I was wrong. But you know what, so were you. You used to hurt me. But I never stopped fighting. I never stopped trying. And it was all because I loved you. You were worth fighting for. You were worth the pain I felt. At least you used to be worth it. I don't really know what happened between then and now, but the obvious is that you're gone. I didn't try stopping you this time, I let you go. I wasn't going to hold you back, not again. You deserve the best that only God can grace you with, which I'll never even be half as good as you need or want. Love is about compromise. But I don't think we took that into consideration. We were so head-over-heels that we just thought that everything would come easier than it did, and we wanted to believe it. It wasn't. It was hard- very hard. I can't bring myself to say this to your face because my pride barely wants me to even acknowledge you anymore; but my heart wants me to write out everything I'm feeling. I loved you; honest to God. Whether or not your love was just temporary or spur of the moment, my love for you was always real. I looked at you like you were the sun that lit up the entire world. I may be corny with how I explain things, but at least I'm honest and trying. Things didn't work how I wanted them to, but maybe that's what was intended to happen and I was just fighting to hard. I gave in this time. Not because I didn't care, or that you weren't worth it. But for the reason that I was to tired of continuing on. You say you fought, and I believe you. But we were fighting two different battles. I was fighting for us, and you were fighting for you. I believe that you thought you loved me; hell maybe you really do. I wont ever doubt you on that. But I just wish things turned out differently. You'll always be important to me and if someday in the future we can gather up enough strength and respect for each other to become friends; I'd love for it to happen. I'll always be here for you even if you don't believe me when I say that. I was wrong for all the times I acted like I hated you when we both know I never could. But you'll take some blame yourself. You're stupid and arrogant at times. Just like I'm stubborn and hardhearted. We have our own flaws we'll have to work out on our own. And I just wanted to let you know that even though we're not like we used to be, that if someday you want to get that back; I will be here. But only if you're really willing to try. Because I'd rather have you in my life just a little bit, than not at all. So never be to shy to say you still want me around because I'm not half the person I used to be. I love you; I'll be seeing you.

Always,
Someone not worth mentioning.

Self-Richeousness.

That with all the good fortune in one's life, negative things will always happen? I think its a way of karma evening out everything. Because no person can be happy from birth til' death every second. Heartbreak will happen, and many tears will be shed in your lifetime. Close ones will die, guys will let you down, and people will change. Every choice you make, effects your future. And I believe that you have a set out plan for yourself, but the actions you take each day will change, or improve the life that's set for you. I think that poor decisions will equal poor rewards in return. So if you choose to sleep instead of studying for something, you wont do as well to as if you studied. Life's very tricky and lately overrated and you must take every second you have for granted. Each and every breath you take is a blessing that you should cherish and be thankful for. Because you don't have to be given the ability to live, to breathe, to love, and to explore. Be thankful for having a home to live in, food to eat, and people that care for you. Be thankful for being born into a life where you can do anything you set your mind to, and where you're the only person that can ever hold you back from something. Not all of us believe in a God or upper power. But we must believe in one thing, ourselves. We trust ourselves and follow our own beliefs despite what anyone says to us. We are own leader, the one person we'll truly follow based on deep intellect. I'm sorry for the random blog of self-caring and what not. But I have a friend that doesn't believe in herself at all. And I just think this will show her that she can, and will be able to overpass her hardships with determination and discipline.

Even now, I still love you.

I hate everything about you. Your eyes, your taste your smell, your hello's, your goodbye's, and all of the memories we've shared. I hate you for looking at me the way you did, with such love and compassion in those dark blue eyes. I hate you for kissing me with those soft lips, your taste left me hypnotized to the person you were. I hate you for wrapping your arms around me, how you used to make me feel so safe. I remember the way you used to push your body against mine, how our heartbeats would slow down and begin to beat at the same pace- as if we had become one person, an inseparable force never to be broken. I can still smell the crisp scent of your cologne as if you were sitting right next to me. I hate you for every hello you ever said, as if a goodbye was never to follow... I hate you for every goodbye you led, you led us to nothing but heartbreak and sorrow. Always making me pray for a better tomorrow. Why couldn't we of been together? Staying like we were forever? Nothing was ever wrong between us, and now nothings ever right. I hate you for your actions, your touch, your sound, your ways to win fights, your ways of letting go, and how you could just disappear and show up as you pleased. I hate how no matter what you did, you always found a way to make it my fault. I hate you for having the most memorizing touch my skin has ever felt, the kind of touch that made you impossible to forget. Your touch made my heart skip a beat, just leaving me with a stomach full of butterflies for days. I hate you for making every, "i love you" nothing but a cheap sound. I hate you for every fight you've won, just because you felt like ending them. I hate you how you were able to just let go, of everything, of us... As if nothing we'd been through had ever mattered. As if I was just another girl, and you we're just another boy. That everything we've shared was just something you could easily find. I guess, when it comes down to it. The thing I hate the most about you.. is how I could never get myself to hate you. No matter how hard I tried.

Frustrations breaking free.

How dare you be angry with me for pushing you away. You broke MY heart and then YOU have the nerve to get mad? How dare you...

What you make me want to be.

When it comes down to it I’ve realized some things. I want to fix things. I want to change who I’ve been lately. I want to apologize to you and truly be forgiven. I want you to apologize to me and actually mean it so I can forgive you, too. I want to be happy again, even if that means not having you in my life anymore. I want you to be happy, even if that means being with someone else. I want to say that to you someday, and actually mean it. I want to change your mind and make you stay. I already know that I can’t, but I still want that. I want to be a person that can be trusted again. I want to be the one person you can talk to for hours and not ever run out of anything to say. I want to be that one person that can make you feel like you have the world. I want to be someone you’d want. I want to be that one person you can actually be honest with about everything. I want to be that one person you’ll never fall out of love with, despite what happens between us. I want to be that one person that can always make you smile right after pissing you off. I want to be strong enough for you and stand by you like I know I can. I want to have a special connection with you that nobody would understand other than us. I want to be yours, and you be mine. But, I can’t be half of those things. Let alone, could I ever be anything you’d deserve or even want. But, I want to be. I guess what I’m saying is, all I really want is you. And I was hoping that maybe, just maybe, that could be enough for just this once.

The final goodbye.

Take my last breath as a symbol of gratitude. Not for any logical reason[s], but for the fact of my heart. It needs to be given to you, because if it wasn’t… I fear I’d never find anyone else to care for it in all the ways I know you could have. If only you cared.

Welcome to you.

I want to dedicate my emotions to something healthy and not wallow in this depression that I'm slipping into. I'm talking to someone right now that sort of thinks it would be healthy for not only myself, but for anyone else that has issues relating to anything in the life aspects of a teenager, to young adult.

The site is along the lines of anonymously(and by that I mean myself) submitting stories/ feelings/ thoughts/ hardships that I am going through. Rather now, or in the past. I think it will be a way to bring out the good in not only myself but other people, because others might be needing to hear that they aren't always, alone.

Even though, most of mine will probably maintain issues that I'm going through in my personal life at the moment. You can write everything your feeling, seek advice, or just say what you need so you can have someone listen to you. I think the site would be a healthy experience for not only the members that post, but the readers who just check on it occasionally to see if they can relate or know of someone that relates to the issues.

Although, I'm not sure which is worth making a website over. That's the valid. And I want some purpose. So I'm trying to give that.