Blurst of Exhilaration.

I've been so caught up and so sucked into friends, school, drama, and life that I've never really had any spare time to just sit down, and write. My old passion that now has been swept under the carpet because I can never seem to find any time for it anymore. Writing. It should be as easy as finding a pen and a pad of paper but I just haven't had much energy to put effort into wording out my thoughts. So this will be an unloading process for me.

Life's been alot more difficult lately. My relationship has been developing more and more and has just now surpassed 2 months of nothing but passion and love (along with a few bumps and bruises along the way). My parent's aren't much different though. My father, is my father. Without- a - doubt. And my mother is a constant pain with all of her constant accusations and bullshit reasons for what is and isn't the best for my sister and I. Sometimes it's crazy how outrageous and completely useless her words of advice really are to me. Friendships are constantly on a roller coaster of emotions if you ask me. I've gained, I've lost. Nothing much to contribute to that aspect of the paragraph. Also, I guess that I have learned a little bit about myself.
I've learned that I'm ever so terrible at apologizing when I know that I should; and simply can't explain my emotions or opinions on things worth a living shit. To maintain a great love, you must give a great love. A burning compassionate type of emotion that will leave your partner never with a doubt of how much you physically, emotionally, and spiritually, need them in your life. To live, to survive, to function, basically. And lately I have really been trying to show that to my partner. I've been trying to show that without a doubt in my mind that I will always and forever be there, loving and needing them more than I've ever needed anything in my entire life. My being and existence are all for them. And if you have personally met me, I think that past sentence is obvious. I see my entire future with them and I cannot wait for the day that we will be engaged and living our dreams out together. I want to right there when they accomplish every goal that they've ever had. And I want to be the one that they can say was always there when nobody else was. Always believing, encouraging, loving, them. Always.
My sister and I have grown closer which I can say is probably a major plus. I've included in the plans and functions that my friends and I go to and I think that it really leaves a good effect on her, even though she is majorly crazy. For once in our life we've finally become, friends. No longer, enemy's. And we're slowly plotting leaving the house and getting as far away as we possibly can from this living and burning hell hole. Which we hope that soon we will at least get to have our own bedrooms again, because that would make being stuck at home just a little better. Hopefully in a two story home with a basement so we can avoid our family as MUCH as possible without actually moving out. Sad that we look forward to that day so much. Really, it is.
Anyways, I feel like nothing else is worth mentioning other than some of the time that I spent with Brooklynn. But I can never written anything about her other than in our notebook. Which, I couldn't. It's just wrong. Hah. Bleh, now my fingers are sore from typing. Au Revoir.

The City Lights.

“The lights of the city remind me of your smile. It’s so bright and unique. But no matter how many times I pass by, the beauty never gets old.”

What I've Realized.

What I’ve just now realized is that I lost you. I’ve COMPLETELY lost you. Do you know how insane that is?! January would have been two years. Do you not know that? Or do you just not care.. Ugh. I just wish that you wouldn’t have thrown our love away like you did.. because I still care. No matter how much I deny it to your face you’ll always know me well enough to know the truth.

Terror.

And as much as I love you, I’ve finally found someone that I can move on, to. But letting go of you scares me, and I want nothing more than you to stop me. Stop me from moving on. Because the truth is, it will always be you for me. But if you don’t, I won’t turn around. I will move on. And that scares me, too. Falling in love with someone else, scares me. Never being with you again scares me. And I’m afraid of being rejected by the one person that I’ve been able to feel something for in the past thirteen months that isn’t you. I’m just really scared right now. I’m tired of being hurt. I’m tired of the constant pain that I’ve just learned to live with. I just want to be happy again. Because I’ve been happy before, and it’s incredible. And I want it again.

Remember This.

If ever there is tomorrow when we’re not together.. there is something you must always remember. You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. But the most important thing is, even if we’re apart.. I’ll always be with you.

I’ll never regret you. Hell, I still look back and sometimes actually miss you. Life’s made a permanent separation between us and we let it happen. I can only hope the best for you and myself and that someday we can have a conversation about how crazy we used to be for each other and try to figure out the reason why things never did go the way we wanted them.

13743.) i wish you could have come at a later time not when i was naive and stupid, then i would've known how much you mean to me and never let you go.

Pieces.

Do you remember the ways you used to look at me? Do you remember the love we shared? I tried so hard to make it work, to hold on. Not just for myself, but for the both of us. You know what we shared was a once-in-a-lifetime type love and you walked out. I can’t believe that you actually for one second could have believed that I didn’t want you anymore. But you believed me, and I was forced to move on. I will always love you, always. Even if I’m not allowed to show it anymore.

All The Things I Hate.

Yeah I originally wrote this back in December of last year, but I never got around to posting it. Its basically a way of admitting everything after a relationship goes sour and you just don't get to say everything you needed to that would give you a clean break.

I hate everything about you. Your eyes, your taste your smell, your hello's, your goodbye's, and all of the memories we've shared. I hate you for looking at me the way you did, with such love and compassion in those dark blue eyes. I hate you for kissing me with those soft lips, your taste left me hypnotized to the person you were. I hate you for wrapping your arms around me, how you used to make me feel so safe. I remember the way you used to push your body against mine, how our heartbeats would slow down and begin to beat at the same pace- as if we had become one person, an inseparable force never to be broken. I can still smell the crisp scent of your cologne as if you were sitting right next to me. I hate you for every hello you ever said, as if a goodbye was never to follow... I hate you for every goodbye you led, you led us to nothing but heartbreak and sorrow. Always making me pray for a better tomorrow. Why couldn't we of been together? Staying like we were forever? Nothing was ever wrong between us, and now nothings ever right. I hate you for your actions, your touch, your sound, your ways to win fights, your ways of letting go, and how you could just disappear and show up as you pleased. I hate how no matter what you did, you always found a way to make it my fault. I hate you for having the most memorizing touch my skin has ever felt, the kind of touch that made you impossible to forget. Your touch made my heart skip a beat, just leaving me with a stomach full of butterflies for days. I hate you for making every, "i love you" nothing but a cheap sound. I hate you for every fight you've won, just because you felt like ending them. I hate you how you were able to just let go, of everything, of us... As if nothing we'd been through had ever mattered. As if I was just another girl, and you we're just another boy. That everything we've shared was just something you could easily find. I guess, when it comes down to it. The thing I hate the most about you.. is how I could never get myself to hate you. No matter how hard I tried.

Is Love Real?!

Sometimes life can be really tough and the only person that can fix it up again is yourself. Your friends can only support you so much, ya know? For most teenage gils all their problems lead back to a guy or a sour relationship with someone. Its hard for people to move on after break-ups and it always seems to be much harder for the female than it is for the male. Deep-down the girl always has apart of her still holding onto the ex-fling, no matter how badly he hurts her. It just leaves most people questioning if love's even real.

Old Complaints.

I wrote this back in February(11th) but never posted it, so I thought I might as well since I have no new posts for today.

I can't really seem to figure out why I even try in the first place. Its hard to be in love with a guy that makes it impossible to even be with him. And just when you start to give-up on him, he'll do something that makes you never regret waiting around for him. Its really tough letting go of old feelings and when you truely love them it makes it even worse. Because if you really were in love with them you never stop, nor do you ever really forget them. At least thats what i've come to believe. To be in love is hard, and when the other person is just not trying to be with you- why would you try to be with them? You have to draw the line at somepoint, I just don't know where that line is exactly. Hopefully someday i'll be able to figure it out.. <3

Old Letter To Myself.

I've never felt so... wrong. I know that the choices that I make and go on with are all for my best interest at heart; but sometimes the best decisions aren't always easy make. I let him go today, by my choice and no one else's. I finally let myself accept that I deserve someone that loves me for who I am, and not who I was. It's hard for me because, I thought that what I had with him was the true definition of "love". I put everything I had in me into that relationship; and for over a year he was the only one I could ever see myself with. But that's love, it blinds you. He blinded me. Our love blinded me. Don't go back; don't change your mind. Please. Even if one day you wake up missing him, don't go back to him. HE DOESN'T LOVE YOU LIKE HE SHOULD!!! You were in love, and he was confused. If he really loved you, he wouldn't have ever let you leave without an explanation. He wouldn't be okay with you just giving up and forgetting everything. BE STRONG. Because the past is behind you for a reason, and if he doesn't make it to your future he's made that choice. It's always fun to warn you're future self about things that you suspect in the past, eh? Ha. I can't believe how much I cried over him. I cried so much that it physically hurt me. I was shaking, and couldn't breathe. Probably because it sunk in that he was willing to just up and go once I decided a break was something we needed. Life isn't always easy, and tonight proved it that to me. From now on it's going to be really hard. I don't have my safety net to catch me when I fall anymore; not like he ever did... but the metaphor still has some meaning if you ask me. The song best song for my mood would be, "Breathe- by Taylor Swift" or maybe even, "In Another Life- The Veronicas". Every word in that song describes a feeling that I've going through today. I may have ended the relationship between us, but it was over long before I finally just said enough was enough. He never gave me the proper shot. I feel like I was just the one he can always come back to, and that hurts me like you wouldn't believe. I love him, have loved him, and will always love him more than anyone I'll ever meet on here, but I can't go back. Maybe someday in the future he'll realize what we could of been, what we would have been, what we should have been. But by then it'll be a little to late for him to come back again. I'll be happy again, I'll grow up. I'll learn to love someone new, whether that love is on a romantic or self-building level. I'll be strong without him. That will be my future, and I look forward to it. Sure for now my heart may ache from all the scars left behind; but I'll fix things soon enough. I have friends to get me through this: Josie, Stephanie, Tara, Amanda, Juni, hell even the newer group of friends I have now will help me. My friends already got me to leave Jake before I could chicken out. Which I'll be thankful for, ngl. I just never saw me and Jake ending this way. We had so much planned. We .. nothing. Like it matters anymore. I've given it everything I had, and he made it clear that I'm just not what he's looking for. It's always nice to have a broken heart, eh? :|

Late-night Rambles.

I always seem to write best late at night. This just proves my family's claims on me being a 'night owl'. I stay up all night, and sleep late in the morning. Which is fine with me, I like the night better. It's beautiful out after the sun is gone and all that's left is the moon. I love to go outside and just sit on the front steps staring up at the stars. Am I the only one that feels totally at peace when you're alone outside at night? Maybe so. Most people would be scared and go inside, at the risk of being raped or killed. Lmao, I only worry about that stuff when I'm watching horror films- along with the nightmares I have following afterwords. But enough about that, I should just get down to what I felt like writing. Today was so busy. (I hate busy days like most of you know.) I was helping out my mother. She's doing worse than she was before, but maybe she'll start to feel better soon. We can only pray; which if you actually do her name is Michele. She's been suffering from her MS(multiple sclerosis) ever since she was pregnant with myself. Which will be going on 16 years, wow! Basically its a disease that makes it very hard to walk and do basic tasks. My mom can't really walk, write, or cook anymore. Sadly there isn't a cure, but hopefully someday there will be and she'll recover. I doubt it though.. eh contradiction much? Haha. So I was busy looking after the dogs, cleaning, and what not. I did get to spend most of today with Amanda: like usual... we played some old video games we found. SO, BORING. Plus I hate games when I'm terrible at them, so I wasn't having fun at all loosing to a 12 year old girl. So on the rest of the day was chill. I made pasta, alot of it. It was mainly for myself but my parents kept eating it all, then they wanted to put clams and shit in it. Nasty, I know. But they apparently forgot about doing so. Me and the lovely Tara watched Twilight tonight. It was her first time seeing the film so she was flipping out over every little thing, lol it was adorable. "OH MY GOSH ITS EDWARD! OH MY GOSH ITS ALICE!" Hahahaha, I love her. She's really one of the best friends I've ever had. I wouldn't be half as confident as I am now without her. She's so positive and hopeful now. I remember back when I first met her.. wow. Total 360 change: for the best of course. (: I can't think of anything else though, today really wasn't worth blogging about. But I had to write something, otherwise I feel odd. :p

You say that you miss me, but do nothing about it.

Am I the only one that doesn't comprehend that? Seriously I don't get it. If I missed someone, I'd do anything I could to let them know that I missed them and at least let them know that I still care and want them to come to me when they're ready to make amends. Just saying, "I miss you." Starting an argument, and then leaving me hanging to dry is someone that screams coward to me. Sorry it's just something I don't think I'll ever understand unless my IQ drops by more than half. I'm done fighting for things. I don't get why you can't step up ONE damn time and prove to me that I meant anything to you. You may think that you've done that, but you haven't. Asking me how to do that, is stupid. Figure it out yourself. If you love me, you'll think of something. Along with if you blow up at me for saying you're an obnoxious coward. You tell your friends I over-react. But the truth is I don't. You just don't react enough. Don't haggle me with fake apologizes, love, and things you think I want to hear. Because, in all honestly I don't. At least not anymore. You can only hear the same shit so many times until you stop accepting it as an actual answer. I'm done. I'll shut my mouth now.

Thinking Out Loud.

Doesn't it suck when you start to miss someone that you never thought would pop back into your mind? Your heart? Your life? Well I don't know about you, but for me it sure does. It's a pain I was hoping that I'd never have to deal with, yet it seems to be the only thing that I've been going through. I guess it's just suppressed feelings that I've not let myself deal with until now. It's annoying, stupid, disheartening. I hate missing him. It hurts me to miss him. I made the choice to be alone, so why should I be upset over it? Why should I be the one to feel so alone and confused. It's the same feeling I get every time I've lost him. Except this time I chose to walk away. Maybe I should just talk to him. Just suck up my pride and tell him that I do miss him. I want to forget the past. Our past. What I've done. What he's done. Just be happy with each other like we used to be. Back when we didn't give a damn about anyone other than one another. Now I can't even stand thinking about him. He's changed. He's not the boy I fell in love with last year. He's this new person. This guy I can't stand anymore. He's become this monster and only a little shadow of what he used to be is left. I held onto that shadow for so long, but then his new self overtook even the shadow. He used to make me feel like I was all he could ever want, that he could love and need. But lately it's like I'm just something that he can "claim" as his own, not like he cares. As if I was a piece of land that he has but just walks all over instead of building up on. Ha, some metaphor eh? It's quite snazzy if you ask me, you all should use that from now on and let them know you got it from myself. ;] But back onto the subject; I really do feel empty without him. I don't get why I say him instead of his name, it almost seems cowardly for me to hide behind the own words. I guess if I don't say his name then there's no way he can prove that this was said about him... and it avoids confrontation to a degree. I really am quite pathetic when it comes to telling him how I feel, it's sad. I'd love to tell him how I miss him, but how I can't stand him anymore. But I think he'd take it the wrong way: that's how he always takes the things I say to him. I could tell him that I care about him, and he'd find something somehow to make it almost sound as if I was putting him down.. I don't think that I'm blinded by him anymore. I do love him, which I won't ever try to deny. But maybe he's okay with just... forgetting each other. Not like I'm getting anywhere with this "cold turkey" approach of letting go. I'd much rather have him as my friend than as nothing. He was one of the best friends that I've ever had, even though he was just my boyfriend/fiance/whatever we were... ha. We never could make it last for that long. It makes me angry. We went into a pattern. We date for a month with things going great, then we grow distant but still together, then we don't talk at all and we fight over absolutely NOTHING, which eventually we brake up. That leads us to not talking for awhile until he usually comes back saying he misses me, and I always take him back in. I broke the chain by breaking up with him, and by pushing him away when he tried to say he missed me. I want to make amends, I need closure with him. I just need something, anything, from him that can make letting go... easier. I hate not being able to have him. I hate not being able to have him say he loves me and actually mean it. It's so frustrating. Why can't he just be who he was last year? Before he met "Adrienne the Mermaid": so Josie and Sam call her. I personally prefer Adrienne sluts-for-brains, even though I tried to stop calling her that because it does her no justice. She deserves something much worse, but what that is I shan't say on a blog where it makes me look smut for even thinking of calling another person such things. She's taken him. She's changed him. She practically owns the boy. It's disgusting, and makes me dislike him for being so foolish. No he's not foolish, he's flat-out ignorant. He never believes anyone when they tell him how she's changed him. He's clearly in denial if everyone other than himself and the mermaid notice. Which must I add that I never disliked her for any reason to do with River. Believe it or not, I could care less. I don't give a damn who he's friends with, they're all idiots in my opinion. But she has a past with me, whether her arrogant ass knows it or not. She played one of my best friends a long time before she was friends with River. That's why I don't like her, nor trust her. But whatever, all guys love to have easy friends. I mean if you can mess around with your friends and them actually be able to swallow and keep their mouth shut then wouldn't you want to keep them around? I'm sure he does. Not me. But anyone with not respect for themselves or women would. Wow I didn't realize how opinionated I am tonight, it's utterly astounding. Yeah, enough about slutty and her whatever. But, eh. I really do miss that boy. Whether he believes me, or cares is despite the point. And it's fine if he doesn't give a damn anymore because, that's all I'd really expect of him. Maybe I'll tell him. Who knows, I'll have to talk to Josie before I make any rash decisions because, if I don't and I end up depressed she'll jump at me for not consulting her before. Which would be the best thing for me to do, so I guess I'll bring it up with her tomorrow. Hopefully she'll talk me out of saying anything because, bringing up feelings with that guy just causes problems for me.