Thinking Out Loud.

Doesn't it suck when you start to miss someone that you never thought would pop back into your mind? Your heart? Your life? Well I don't know about you, but for me it sure does. It's a pain I was hoping that I'd never have to deal with, yet it seems to be the only thing that I've been going through. I guess it's just suppressed feelings that I've not let myself deal with until now. It's annoying, stupid, disheartening. I hate missing him. It hurts me to miss him. I made the choice to be alone, so why should I be upset over it? Why should I be the one to feel so alone and confused. It's the same feeling I get every time I've lost him. Except this time I chose to walk away. Maybe I should just talk to him. Just suck up my pride and tell him that I do miss him. I want to forget the past. Our past. What I've done. What he's done. Just be happy with each other like we used to be. Back when we didn't give a damn about anyone other than one another. Now I can't even stand thinking about him. He's changed. He's not the boy I fell in love with last year. He's this new person. This guy I can't stand anymore. He's become this monster and only a little shadow of what he used to be is left. I held onto that shadow for so long, but then his new self overtook even the shadow. He used to make me feel like I was all he could ever want, that he could love and need. But lately it's like I'm just something that he can "claim" as his own, not like he cares. As if I was a piece of land that he has but just walks all over instead of building up on. Ha, some metaphor eh? It's quite snazzy if you ask me, you all should use that from now on and let them know you got it from myself. ;] But back onto the subject; I really do feel empty without him. I don't get why I say him instead of his name, it almost seems cowardly for me to hide behind the own words. I guess if I don't say his name then there's no way he can prove that this was said about him... and it avoids confrontation to a degree. I really am quite pathetic when it comes to telling him how I feel, it's sad. I'd love to tell him how I miss him, but how I can't stand him anymore. But I think he'd take it the wrong way: that's how he always takes the things I say to him. I could tell him that I care about him, and he'd find something somehow to make it almost sound as if I was putting him down.. I don't think that I'm blinded by him anymore. I do love him, which I won't ever try to deny. But maybe he's okay with just... forgetting each other. Not like I'm getting anywhere with this "cold turkey" approach of letting go. I'd much rather have him as my friend than as nothing. He was one of the best friends that I've ever had, even though he was just my boyfriend/fiance/whatever we were... ha. We never could make it last for that long. It makes me angry. We went into a pattern. We date for a month with things going great, then we grow distant but still together, then we don't talk at all and we fight over absolutely NOTHING, which eventually we brake up. That leads us to not talking for awhile until he usually comes back saying he misses me, and I always take him back in. I broke the chain by breaking up with him, and by pushing him away when he tried to say he missed me. I want to make amends, I need closure with him. I just need something, anything, from him that can make letting go... easier. I hate not being able to have him. I hate not being able to have him say he loves me and actually mean it. It's so frustrating. Why can't he just be who he was last year? Before he met "Adrienne the Mermaid": so Josie and Sam call her. I personally prefer Adrienne sluts-for-brains, even though I tried to stop calling her that because it does her no justice. She deserves something much worse, but what that is I shan't say on a blog where it makes me look smut for even thinking of calling another person such things. She's taken him. She's changed him. She practically owns the boy. It's disgusting, and makes me dislike him for being so foolish. No he's not foolish, he's flat-out ignorant. He never believes anyone when they tell him how she's changed him. He's clearly in denial if everyone other than himself and the mermaid notice. Which must I add that I never disliked her for any reason to do with River. Believe it or not, I could care less. I don't give a damn who he's friends with, they're all idiots in my opinion. But she has a past with me, whether her arrogant ass knows it or not. She played one of my best friends a long time before she was friends with River. That's why I don't like her, nor trust her. But whatever, all guys love to have easy friends. I mean if you can mess around with your friends and them actually be able to swallow and keep their mouth shut then wouldn't you want to keep them around? I'm sure he does. Not me. But anyone with not respect for themselves or women would. Wow I didn't realize how opinionated I am tonight, it's utterly astounding. Yeah, enough about slutty and her whatever. But, eh. I really do miss that boy. Whether he believes me, or cares is despite the point. And it's fine if he doesn't give a damn anymore because, that's all I'd really expect of him. Maybe I'll tell him. Who knows, I'll have to talk to Josie before I make any rash decisions because, if I don't and I end up depressed she'll jump at me for not consulting her before. Which would be the best thing for me to do, so I guess I'll bring it up with her tomorrow. Hopefully she'll talk me out of saying anything because, bringing up feelings with that guy just causes problems for me.